My Secret Holiday… Don’t tell the Neighbours!

I just got back from a secret holiday and it was exactly what I needed. We stayed at a fantastic log cabin in the Leicestershire countryside, and thankfully, the sun was shining most of the time. Why was it a ‘Secret’? Because I didn’t tell anyone about it…

Of course, my wife and dog knew we were going, and the owner of the cabin had agreed and received payment, but otherwise, no one else on earth knew about it.

It’s an old habit from growing up in a rough neighbourhood; we never told anyone we’d be away, coz that could lead to some of your stuff enjoying their own little vacation.

Nowadays I realise, it’s not only neighbours you need to be worried about. I once read about a cab driver being paid to share information on customers who were gonna be out of town for a while.

I.e, they’d pick you up and drive you to the airport, then call Jimmy (sorry Jim) and tell him your gaff’s all empty.

-Imagine that, you’re sitting there in the back seat, and this one’s all talkative: “Going anywhere nice”, he asks!

That’s not all cabbies, mind you, it was probably just this one guy, but man, it seriously impacted my worldview.

To this day, if I call a cab, I leave the lights on and play loud music, and tell ’em “I’m just popping out”. Or, I get them to pick me up down the road, well away from home.

If they ask me any questions, I keep schtum! Remember, you have the right to remain silent.

“Beautiful morning”. -Isn’t it just?

On the morning of the holiday, I started to load our travel bags into the car.

In the old days, I’d have woken up real early to sneak my bags to the car. We’d be gone like a fart in the wind, with my neighbours left wondering if we’d been dragged into Narnia or something.

Then, a week or so later, we’d re-emerge with tans.

But, I’ve chilled a little of late.

This time I was loading about midday when one of my neighbours walked by, “Lovely day”, she says…

I raised an eyebrow and offered a half-smile. What was this dear old lady fishing for?

“Yes, beautiful”, I said, trying to hide a large travel case behind my right leg.

She looked at the case.

I gestured with my left hand up towards the summer sky (opposite my car and case), “Yes, I hope it stays this way”, I pronounced.

To be fair, she followed my lead and looked up at the beautiful blue sky, and me being no fool, used the distraction to quickly get the case into the car.

To be honest, I thought about returning it to the house, so she might think I was, in fact, returning from a holiday, rather than leaving on one.

But, what would the other neighbours think?

Anyway, she turned to see me gone, and then her eyes found me at the car. I could see her brain working away in the background:

‘Oh, they’re going on holiday. I wonder where? He’s not much of a conversationalist, is he? I do hope Jenny can make lunch tomorrow...’

Then, following one of my patented awkward silences, she left me with a nod and a grin.

Well, I thought, should’ve woke up early and got this s#*t done at 5!

A Log Cabin in the Leicestershire Countryside

The cabin and surroundings were beautiful, -there was more green than my eyes could take in.

The first thing I did, of course, was to search the cabin for recording devices. I assume everyone does this?

No? Just me?

Fine. Well, I did.

I checked all the sneaky little places I’d have hidden one.

Not that I ever have mind you, but you know, I got to thinking like a common pervert… just for the hiding cameras part…

Anyway, I couldn’t find any, but still covered up when coming out of the shower, coz you can never be too careful.

Our time there was great. We even had sheep in the field across from us, and they were saying, “Meh” a lot.

Also, they ran up and down their section of paradise. And sometimes they’d look up from chewing on the grass and stare at us for a bit.

I stared back coz I’m not gonna be intimidated by sheep.

Time to go home

When it was time to leave, we started packing again. Then we did a general clean-up.

My wife tho, she took things a bit further and got the hoover out…

Now, she’s never stopped me from hoovering, so I didn’t wanna deny her the pleasure either, but I was still a little confused.

I mean, why give this place a deep clean? What are we paying for?

If I wanted to clean up, I could’ve stayed at home.

We already had to disinfect the place on arrival (standard operating procedure), and now we’re here cleaning on the back end?

I mean, who’s renting this place out? Them or Us?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wanna embarrass myself, but there’s a fine line between cleaning up my mess and going too far.

Anyway, for the journey home, I didn’t have to worry about anybody finding out, coz the sheep can’t tell no one nothing, and the owner knew we were leaving as per the terms of our agreement.

Also, the cabin was gonna be empty, so there was nothing to take.

Still, feels like I left something behind…

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